I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
