I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
