From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
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