she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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