Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
