My nipple is on Facebook.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
