$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
