forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
