im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
