well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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