Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
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