Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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