someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
