I'm pants shitting drunk right now
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
