I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
