you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
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