Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
She announced her abortion via fbk
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
