My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
