false alarm. still invincible.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
