What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
