His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
