This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
