Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
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