i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Can I color on your dick again?
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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