I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
