I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
