70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
