You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
