Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
