Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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