Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Randomize
