I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
