Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
