Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
