I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
