what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
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