We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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