I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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