just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
