I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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