I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
