Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
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