i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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