she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
