I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
