peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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