NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
me + whiskey = a bad person
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
