Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
