He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
