you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
