idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
