woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize
