I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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