my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
