i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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