Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Randomize
